Bravery in Fear

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness

                                                                                                                                                                          -Desmond Tutu- 

On July 21, 2015 my life changed and took a very scary turn. In my natural and human mind I was scared, going crazy, but also thinking maybe its a one time thing, so it wasn’t that major to me. Allow me to explain, I woke up that morning in an emergency room. To my understanding when I came to myself I’d had my very first seizure. I was scared because I have never seen my husband so afraid and my parents were there looking just as frightened and confused. I remember leaving the emergency room, riding with my brother in law. My husband was in the front seat and I was in the back, my body was sore and hurt like hell, but we were talking about what happened and in the midst of the conversation I began to cry. I had never seen my husband break down so hard and he just kept saying losing me wasn’t an option and it really touched my heart that in that moment I wasn’t in fear alone, but that he felt it with me. After I returned home I tried to go back to normal as quickly as possible and I didn’t think that deeply into it because I didn’t think I would ever experience it again. I’d done my research and found that over 60% of all human beings experience at least one seizure in a lifetime. So I thought that was it for me.

Little did I know that this would be a recurring thing for me. After that, every month around the time of my cycle I would have seizures in my sleep at least one night or day. I began to think of this as something that could possibly weigh me down and I began to get discouraged. I consulted with my OBGYN asking her could it be my hormones, my ph balance, or what was it that was effecting my brain around the time of my cycle. She had no answer but she suggested that I start birth control, because it could possibly balance out my hormones(if that was the issue). Well I started the NuvaRing and I seen no results. I even went to see a neurologist who had no idea what was going on and had no answers. He prescribed me a medicine that he said I should take every night and I should see a difference, well……. I was still having a day or two out of the month where I would have seizures in my sleep be it a nap or when I was sleeping at night. So of course naturally this brought about more fear and doubt as to when I would possibly see the end of this trial.

After consulting two doctors and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I began to go to the source, GOD. Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this, why do I have to go through this, what lesson am I supposed to get out of this and how long will it take. I was very sad, down, and couldn’t figure out how I was perfectly fine and normal at one point in my life and now all of a sudden I hit this horrible block. Well in the midst of all this I noticed that the seizures had spread apart. Instead of having them every month, now it was around every three months. Which I felt was possibly a good sign, until the next time I had one. After three months in the clear, I will never forget it was the new year and I hadn’t had one all year. I thought finally he heard me and healing had come. Well I woke up one morning with a crowd around me because I’d had another one. I continued to have them, at least one every three months.  Now when I have these episodes it effects my whole day because I am very sore and incapable of doing anything. So after this happens a majority of that day I am sleep and can’t function until the next day.Most people would think I am writing this because I have been healed and I am better. Well just last month I had a total of five seizures within one day. So healed, not quite.

So I went back into my slump, not only am I feeling down because of my health, but because now I am beginning to feel things in regard to my marriage. I was talking to my mom and I told her that I needed out of this health situation because my husband didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want him to feel obligated to have to take care of me and check on me and worry about me throughout his days. I was healthy when we started this and that’s what I led him to expect for our future. I was feeling bad because I didn’t feel as though I was able to be an effective mom. Simply because on those days I can’t take care of my son and I don’t like or want my son to have to see me like that. During this conversation my mom told me, “In living for God, you don’t always get to choose your testimony, but you have to be the example for what healing and success looks like in God.” I needed to hear that because I was in a world of confusion. That following Sunday there was a guy up giving a testimony and he pointed me out of the crowd and he said he remembered when I’d sang a song call “Yes”. The song basically says just say yes to God and allow him to do his work.

Now what’s weird is, I never talk to this guy and we never even really speak, but he said God told him to tell me “Just keep; saying yes and he will bring about comfort and direct my path.” This was very strange to me, but God had already been telling me to share my testimony because I am not the only one going through a trial. I am not the only one that can’t see the end and wants to get out. I never wanted to tell this story because I was so embarrassed, thinking who is having this go on at my age and why can’t I just go back to living normal. Then GOD revealed to me, there are people going through far worst than me, there are people who have seizures at any time throughout their day. They don’t have specific times of the month and they don’t only happen in their sleep. Those people can’t drive and normally don’t have normal lives considering their conditions, but because of this I had began to question him and lose faith.

Well I am here, telling my truth. No it hasn’t stopped although I can now see the end. The doctors still have no clue, but I definitely have the faith. I was at the eye doctor last month and my mom was walking around outside with my son and just so happened to be lead to walk right in front of a doctors office. It was a hormone specialist and I scheduled an appt. So my hope is high, but my faith is at a new level. My husband is amazing and has and always does reassure me that he’s never leaving and that my health is his health. My son is taken out of the room and its like God gives him a different routine on those days because he lets me sleep and when he notices I am up he just wants to kiss and hug, which is what I need in those moments.  I am not sure what any of you could possibly be going through, but just know that God has an end and a healing for you. Just believe and don’t lose faith. Hold on to your beliefs and stand strong on your foundation. Right now as I say these words to you I am also in the midst of practicing these same beliefs, still during that time of the month going to bed in fear, but praying that God takes it easy on me.  I am not telling this story because I want sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me. I am giving my testimony because someone else needs to hear it and my story could be just the push you need. Keep me in your prayers and we will see an end.

-Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders have obtained a good report-

Hebrews 11:1

-Jai-