Forgiveness and Grudges

There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love.

-Bryant H. McGill-

To forgive others and the wrong that I feel that they’ve caused or done to me is one of the highest mountains and hardest obstacles in my life. For some reason I seem to get stuck in the frame of mind, that if you’ve done it to me once, then you will definitely do it to me again. And honestly I am not a sit in the corner and wait for it type of person. Most people go by the three strikes and your out rule, whereas I’ve always gone by one and done. What I will say though is with time I am growing and learning more about how negative this mindset is for me and how damaging it could be for my future self.

The relationship that’s teaching and has taught me the most about forgiveness is my marriage of course. Simply because going to sleep mad is not an option. Therefore I am learning to forgive if not instantly then at least before I lay my head to rest. Yes there are times when I feel that he’s wrong and I’m hurt, but I am learning to consider the fact that living without him is not an option for me. That being said I had to first learn forgiveness in that area. There is also this thing titled equal balance in marriage that is pretty important. And what it means to me is, to make sure I am giving everything that I receive. I am not perfect by any means and I know that there are times that I screw up and need some serious reconsideration and forgiveness. Therefore I need to exemplify that to him in order for me to want and receive it from him.

I have never really been a person that was good at relationships at all. Thats counting friendships, family, and personal relationships as well. I am a very hard person at times and when it comes to certain things in my life, but I feel like once I let you in then thats it. That means we are marked and together for life. Never considering the fact that hurt and disappointment is inevitable and will come up at some point and time. Because I never consider or even think about this as an option, when it does come up it hurts like hell and I am more than willing to let it all go. Is that always the best thing for me, not at all, I truly believe that I have lost out on some possibly good relationships because of this dark and cold mentality.

Now, I can hold a grudge like no one I’ve ever known. If you hurt or pissed me off when I was 6, please believe I remember it and either I let it slide (won’t deal with you again just didn’t mention it) or may still have plans to get you back. (yea, bad huh) The positive in this post is that I’ve recognized the problem and began to work on the issue. There are guys in my life that were perfectly good guys, but because of the pain that I may have endured either as a child or even in past relationships I’ve hurt them. Was it my intention? Not at all, but because I hold grudges, my grudges hold on to me. What I mean by that is I gained this, “I’m going to get you before you get me mentality.” A stronghold that I am truly trying to break. Do I entirely regret it, not really because it led me to the place I’m in right now, but I do wish I could’ve taken a different route. It was never my intention to hurt anyone because of my own hurt, but because of my non forgiving spirit I have done exactly that.

You never realize how much damage you could possibly be doing to yourself by holding onto the old. I didn’t realize it until I was talking to a few friends and my spouse that I really need to stop and let it go. Because where I am saying, “that person doesn’t matter to me and forget them”, that person and what they’ve done is still making a difference in my attitude towards others and decisions I make in my life. Also, do you know how much energy it takes to remember all the people that have hurt you, how they hurt you, and to remember that you don’t like them and can’t speak. (I was exhausted).  Another reason why I decided that it was time for a change is because I gave birth to my world, and I know I am going to mess up, but I want him to be able to forgive and let go, therefore I have to show him how to do that.

I’ve decided to change for the betterment of my life and the lives of others that I may touch, if you haven’t….please join me on this new route to healing and change. I will need your help because I am not there yet. 

Fault is the foundation of beauty, forgiveness is the freedom to live confidently in that beauty, but love provides the wings needed to soar and allow that beauty to be exuded.

-Jai-