The darker the night, the brighter the stars,
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!”
—-Fyodor Dostoevsky—
I am supposed to find comfort in knowing that you are no longer in pain. I am supposed to find comfort in knowing that your new spiritual life is a gift you gain . I am supposed to find comfort in knowing that your soul is now at rest. I am supposed to find comfort in knowing that you are now in the hands of the best. I am supposed to find comfort in knowing that death has no stain and victory outweighs sorrow. I am supposed to find comfort in knowing that your joy will come earlier than tomorrow.
But, for some reason my mind can’t seem to process that the last time was the last time. My heart can’t seem to beat to the same rhythm that was once apart of my natural being. All that I can think about is me seeing you laying in that hospital bed uncomfortable and in pain and me not being able to do anything about it. I can’t help but think about the things that I feel you wish you could change. The last conversation we had wasn’t supposed to be the last.
All that I know is you asked me to spend the night with you at the hospital because you didn’t like to be alone. My response is one now, that I wish I could change. I know that I had a responsibility to be with my family, but you were one of the biggest parts of my heart and I never expected that to be the last opportunity that I would be able to lay with you.
Prior to this, I had a conversation with you while you were in Methodist, and you told me what I needed to do. You told me that you were proud of me because I am back in school and you couldn’t wait until I finished. You told me you were proud of me and the mother and wife that I’d become. I told you how much I love you and how you leaving would be very hard for me. I’ve never imagined my life without you and in all honesty I never wanted to.
Your destiny was way greater than my desire but I’m having a hard time trying accept that. I am desperately trying to find the positive in this situation right now, but my heart weighs too much for me to even try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that you love me, I just want to see you and know that you’re ok. While here on this side I will do everything to fulfill the promises I made to you and to keep my head up. Your strength will Carrie me through of that I’m sure. And you Carrie were the epitome of a love that was pure. So until we meet again, allow your soul to find peace in knowing that we’re ok and you instilled enough in us for us to find strength even in our weakest moments. Today is the last day that I will ever lay eyes on your physical appearance and I just want to feel your embrace. Even though I know that eternity still wouldn’t be enough time for any last time to be the last time I ever see your face.
Death holds no victory because our souls were never meant for an eternity here on earth. But, the pain of losing a loved one brings so much sorrow, that no joy at this moment will outweigh the hurt. I love you Carrie Jones (Granny)
-Jai-