Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
– Elizabeth Stone-
Having my son was one of the best things that ever happened to me in this lifetime. He has opened my eyes and my heart to something that I never knew was there. That feeling of course is one that you would want to experience over and over again, right? Or, some people that I know have said that it’s a feeling that they believe they will not be able to feel more than once because there isn’t a feeling like the first time.
Well for me, I would love to have that experience again. I would love to feel that first kick, to bond with a being that I haven’t yet seen, and to cherish the rhythm of a heartbeat other than my own that dwells within me. I have days where I simply long for a daughter because I want to have those sweet girly moments. I want to know and experience the love that she would have for her father as well as the experience of gaining a true best friend for life.
But, if I can just be raw and honest with you all. I am very afraid of the possible trials that may come with my next experience. I just made a year this month of no seizures. Truth be told, I didn’t start having them until around three months before I found out I was pregnant with Bailyr. I went through those nine months still having them and being on medication. Through the grace of GOD, my baby suffered no issues and came out 100% healthy.
That was a blessing within itself. Now, although I haven’t had a seizure in a year, the doctors have only said that the seizures were hormonal. Meaning my hormones were somehow thrown off and it caused my body to react in a strange way. My medicine is now of a higher dosage and my biggest fear is that if I were to get pregnant again, that the seizures will resurface or my baby will be effected in some form or fashion. I have days where I think, “Hey God blessed you one time, so just leave it alone.” Then I have days where I think, “God just might use my next child to correct my hormones and heal me completely. ” Having faith is one thing, but testing his grace is another. I am deciphering between the two right now, but until then Bailyr Liam is my only one and I will enjoy and embrace the one experience that I’ve had thus far.
God’s grace isn’t a one time thing, but it’s something that’s given daily. But, it takes faith to step out and try something beyond your own power.
-Jai-